He’s Not the Only One to Blame

It’s tough for me to admit this but here it goes: I am not perfect. I am a flawed human being that makes mistakes sometimes. I am sometimes hard to handle. I’m a mess at times. And I have issues of my own that need to be dealt with.

With that being said, I have to admit that my ex-husband is not the only one to blame for my marriage failing. We both contributed to the problems that eventually led to him leaving. Yes, he’s the one who left. Yes, he’s the one who quit fighting. But he isn’t the only one to blame for our problems.

I’m about to get real honest and real vulnerable here.

I came into our marriage with baggage from my past that I had not fully dealt with. It was the cause of a lot of my early depression. When we would fight, those feelings of being blamed for everything surfaced. I felt attacked. I felt like I was not good enough. I felt like nothing I did was ever right. I felt like I didn’t matter. Eventually, all of those feelings frustrated my ex-husband. He felt like I “played the victim card” in order to make him feel guilty for his feelings.

He had his own demons and started seeing a therapist. She encouraged him to bring me into their sessions and make it couple’s counseling so we did. She was a good fit for him and has helped him on his journey but she wasn’t a good fit for me so we stopped going together. He encouraged me to get my own therapist and I always intended to but I was busy pursuing my college degree and never got around to it. It created more problems for us.

On top of his frustrations with my victim-like behavior and putting off getting help, he felt like he wasn’t loved anymore. That certainly wasn’t the case. I just wasn’t expressing my love in the way that he needed in order to receive it. If you’ve ever read The Five Love Languages then you’ll know what I’m talking about. His love language is physical touch. Mine is not. I like my bubble and I like for people to stay out of it. I tried to get to the point where I could express my love through physical touch. It didn’t come naturally to me. I had to force myself and often times I would get so busy with what I had going on in my own life that I would forget that I needed to be more affectionate. I believe it was the final nail in the coffin.

It’s hard to accept that I played a role in this situation that has caused so much pain for the people that I care about the most but accept it, I must.

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