I am working hard to process my grief over my ex-husband leaving. The Five Stages of Grief starts with denial, but I didn’t necessarily start with denial. I started with hurt. But look at how grief.com describes that stage of grief:
In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day.The Five Stages of Grief by Elizabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler
I definitely felt numb. And it was hard to simply get through some days. Even though I wasn’t necessarily in denial. I experienced all the emotions that go along with the stage of denial.
I quickly moved into the stage of anger. And if I’m honest that is where I am stuck. I know that underneath my anger is pain. I know that I am angry because I feel deserted and abandoned. I know that I am angry because I feel betrayed.
That feeling of betrayal is what God chose to address with me this morning as I was praying. I was reminded that Jesus was also betrayed by someone that He loved. But here’s the thing: I was blindsided by my ex-husband’s betrayal. I never imagined that the person I chose to love would betray me and if I were honest, I don’t think I would have chosen to love him if I had known. But Jesus knew exactly what He was getting into when He chose Judas to be one of His closest friends. Jesus knew that Judas would betray Him but He chose to love him anyway.
So what’s my point?
The first is that Jesus knows the pain that I feel right now because He has been there before. He knows what it takes to comfort me because He understands what it feels like to be betrayed.
The second is that if I want to be like Jesus that I need to love my ex-husband in spite of what he’s done to me. I need to show him the same mercy and grace that Jesus showed to Judas.
If I’m honest, I’m not quite there yet. I know that the Holy Spirit is continuing to work on me. He’s continuing to soften my heart and make it so that I am able to follow his command to love my ex-husband and eventually move on to acceptance of my situation.
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